The Funniest Joke in the World - Eva!
by Bob McDob
Summary: The cast of Evangelion act out a scetch from Monty Python's Flying Circus.


The Funniest Joke in the World - Eva! Author: Bob McDob   
Title: The Funniest Joke in the World - Eva!   
Censor: PG-13   
Catagory: Anime\Evangelion   
Summary: The cast of Neon Genesis Evangelion act out a scetch from Monty Python's Flying Circus.   


Courtesy of montypython.net and NERV Productions, we have "The Funniest Joke in the World - Eva!" Very little here is original, except maybe the idea. Everything else is owned by Other People - the Neon Genesis Evangelion characters by Anno Hideki and Gainex, Monty Python and his Flying Circus (Episode 2) by Python Productons, South Park by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, Star Trek by Gene Roddenberry, and various bits from Garden of EVA by Jim Lazar, Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut by Andrew Huang (of course ^_^), The Penpen Chronicles by Adam Friedman and Jason Jiswater, and Rei's Odd Day by James Lee. Hey, it's not stealing, it's HOMAGE!   
Okay, so that's from "The Wizard of NERV" by James Lee. So SUE ME! (On second thought, please don't. Please). Of course, primary inspiration comes from the characters of Evangelion themselves. Special thanks to the authors of "The Gundam Team's Day Off" and all the other Monty Python fans for compelling me to write this. As did the Evangelion community and other anime writers too, especially the author of the Tenchi Muyo fic Not Fat. ^_^   
Finally, I'd like to dedicate this to Ryo-okie. She gave me similar recognition waaaay back when I was known as Bob MUG, so I thought it appropriate to do the same here. Myaa! ^-^.   
  
  


"Quotations" indicate the speech of the Almighty (Shyeah, right! -Ed.) Author. Get used to it. 

Spoiler Alert: There are spoilers in this fic. As usual.   
  
  


Shinji: So tell me again why we're doing this? 

Rei: It seems the commander is a fan of the Flying Circus of Monty Python. 

Pen-Pen: Squark! 

Shinji: Pen-Pen? Eh? How'd you get here? 

Pen-Pen: Squark. Squark squark squark squark squark squark squark. 

Shinji: Um, okay. Look, you better ger home (pushes Pen-Pen out the door) 

Pen-Pen: (pulls mallet out of hammerspace and bashes Shinji on the head) SQUARK!!! 

Shinji: (dazed) Eh...I guess you can stay. 

Pen-Pen: Squark! WARK WARK WARK WARK WARK!!!!! 

(The door bursts open and hundreds of llamas, camels, sheep, cows, penguins, pythons a dead parrot swarm into the room, trampling over Shinji). 

"Think about that last part for a moment. That parrot is DEAD - " 

Shinji: Heeelp me. Heeeeelp me. 

"Shaddap! Rei, cue the scetch" 

Rei: Hai!   
  
  
  


**Nerv Productons**   
** Presents**   
**The Funniest Joke in the World - Eva!**   
Featuring The Entire Crew Of NERV And A Cast of Thousands (Of Extras) 

NOTE: The 'Funniest Joke in the World' DOES NOT translate into English. It's some made-up gibberish words mixed in with some real German words in a proper sentence structure, but it doesn't mean anything, so don't bother trying to decipher it. Besides, if you managed that you'd probably die laughing. 

GREAT BRITAIN   
1943 

(Opening Scene: A suburban house in a boring looking street. Zoom into upstairs window. Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure (Nagisa Kaworu) huddles over a table, writing. He is surrounded by bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.) 

Voice Over: This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die ... laughing. 

(Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.) 

Voice Over: It was obvious that this joke was lethal... no one could read it and live ... 

(Ernest's mother (Akagi Ritsuko as man in drag playing woman) enters. 

"Think about that for a second. Ritsuko is a woman playing a man playing a woman. I think a similar - " 

Entire Cast: SHADDAP!!!!! 

"Ehh...okay". ^_^;;; 

She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices the piece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and falls down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.) 

Commentator (Ayanami Rei, deadpan newsreporter-type voice): This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Elson Road. Sudden ...violent ... comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now. 

Inspector (Toji): I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke. 

(About now an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.) 

Inspector: I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division ... (Inspector points to a group of dour looking policemen standing nearby) The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke. 

(He gives a signal. The group of policemen start groaning and chanting biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.) 

Commentator: There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in police history. 

(The inspector suddenly appears at the door, helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft. He collapses and dies. Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.) 

Voice Over: It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke was hurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War. 

(Cut to door at Ham House: Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider hurries in carrying armoured box. (Notice on door: 'Conference. No Admittance'.) Dispatch nider rushes in. A door opens for him and closes behind him. We hear a mighty roar of laughter... . series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.) 

(Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain. Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass peering anxiously out.) 

Voice Over: Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards. 

(Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox. Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain. He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Aida Kensuke) looking cold and miserable). 

Kensuke: I wanted to be the cameraman...But then they said they'd let me be a soldier. How could I refuse? 

Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth. Cut in to corporal's face- registening complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidily. 

Kensuke: Hey! I'm not stupid! 

(Author throws cello at Kensuke. He looks up, dazed, and stares blankly ahead.) 

"Now you are!" 

(Man on top of pillbox waves flag. The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal. He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, sniggers, and dies. Two watching generals are very impressed.) 

Generals (Ikari Gendo): Fantastic. 

Cut to a Colonel talking to camera. 

Colonel (Fuyutsuki Kobo): All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital. But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could. 

(Cut to a trench in the Ardennes. Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.) 

Voice Over: So, on September 15th, I944, the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes... 

Commanding NCO (Ikari Yui): Tell the ... joke. 

Joke Brigade: (together) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput! 

(Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in hysterics.) 

Voice Over: It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke ... (Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing the 'Peace in our time' bit of paper) ... and one which Hitler just couldn't match. 

Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed. 

SUBTITLE: 'MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE' 

A young soldier responds: 

SUBTITLE: HOW DOES HE SMELL? 

Hitler speaks: 

SUBTITLE: AWFUL' 

Voice Over: In action it was deadly. 

(Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree he reads out joke.) 

Corporal (Ibuki Maya, as man): Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput! 

(Sniper falls laughing out of tree.) 

Joke Brigade: (charging) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput. 

(They chant the joke. Germans are put to fight laughing, some dropping to ground.) 

Voice Over: The German casualties were appalling. 

(Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically. Cut to Nazi interrogation room. An officer from the joke bngade has a light shining in his face. A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another stands behind him.) 

Nazi (Sohyu Asuka Langley): (reading script) WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!? I'M NOT PLAYING A -MAN-!!! 

"Shut up and get back to work!" (pulls Nazi cap down over her upper body parts, and not those body parts, hentai!) 

Asuka: (grumbles, pulls cap back up; hat still hides hair) Fine, then ... 

"Now let's try that again..." 

'Nazi': Vott is the big joke? 

Officer (Ikari Shinji, looking vaguely dazed): I can only give you name, rank, and why did the chicken cross the road? 

Nazi: That's not funny! (slaps him) I vant to know the joke. 

Officer: All right. How do you make a Nazi cross? 

Nazi: (momentarily fooled) I don't know ... how do you make a Nazi cross? 

Officer: Tread on his corns. (does so; the Nazi hops in pain) 

Nazi: Gott in Hiramell that's not funny! (mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his hands to provide the sound effect) Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly. 

Officer: I can stand physical pain, you know. 

Nazi: Ah ... you're no fun. All right, Otto. 

(Otto starts tickling the officer who starts laughing,) 

Officer: Oh no - anything but that please no, all right I'll tell you. 

(They stop tickling him) 

Nazi: Quick Otto. The typewriter. 

(Otto (Ryouji Kaji) goes to the typewriter and they wait expectantly. The officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.) 

Officer: Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput. 

(Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.) 

Asuka (Nazi): Ah mein gott! They killed Kaji! 

(Nazi bursts into laughter and dies) 

A German guard (Katsuragi Misato): You bastards! 

A German guard bursts in with machine gun, The British officer leaps on the table.) 

Officer: (lightning speed) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput. 

(The guard reels back and collapses laughing. British officer makes his escape.) 

Kaji: (gets back up, hit by falling washing machine) 

"And stay dead! (grin)" 

Kaji Fan #1: Oh my god! They killed Kaji again! 

Kaji Fan #2: You bastards! 

(Kaji fans leap out and proceed to beat up on author. Kaji slthers out from underneath as geletanous liquid and walks out the back door, mumbling about his contract. Cut to a film of German scientists working in laboratories.) 

Voice Over: But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44, the Germans were working on a joke of their own. 

(A German general is seated at an imposing desk. Behind him stands Otto, labelled 'A Different Gestapo Officer'. Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.) 

German Joker (Hyuuga Makoto): Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel uber und der bitte schon ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'. 

He finishes and looks hopeful. 

Otto: We let you know. 

(He shoots him. Film of German scientists.) 

Voice Over: But by December their joke was ready, and Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke to be broadcast in English. 

Director: CUT! Bad news... 

Kaji: Who the hell are you? 

Director: I'm the Director who for some reason you haven't met till now! And I'm here to say that we can't go on with the scetch because we're out of actors. 

Asuka: (calls out from offstage) And actresses! 

Director: Yeah, whatever. Now, we need someone to play the part... 

Hikari: I'll do it! 

Director: But you're not even part of NERV! 

Hikari: So? Kaworu and Kaji are dead, and Toji's not supposed to have any arms or legs! 

Toji: Actually - (Hikari slaps her hand over Toji's mouth) 

Director: Good point. Well, then who's gonna play the part of - 

Pen-Pen: Squark! 

Director: (looking at Pen-Pen) Hmm... 

(Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple (Hokari Hikari and Pen-Pen) anxiously listening to it.) 

Radio: (crackly German voice) Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho. 

(Radio bunts into 'Deutschland Uber Alles'. The couple look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio. Cut to modern BBC 2 interview. The commentator in a woodland glade.) 

Commentator (Shigeru): In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again. 

(He walks away revealing a monument on which is written: 'To the unknown Joke'. Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting. Patriotic music reaches crescendo.) 

Shinji: (walks into scene) Well that was weird. 

Rei: (bouncing in) Hey, Shin-chan, let's go off to a dark corner and make mad, passionate monkey-love! 

Shinji: (stares at Rei, blinking eyes) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! (runs off) 

"No, THAT was weird." (grins, showing knocked-out teeth and black eye) 

Asuka: (still in Gestapo uniform; hat taken off) WHAT THE **** WAS THAT?!?!?!   
(glares at Rei) That was MY line! 

Rei: He made me do it. (gestures at sky) 

Asuka: (looking up) Who? God? 

Rei: No, the Author. Although some have speculated as to whether the author is a god ... 

Asuka: (leaps into sky) ARCHFICKER!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!! (proceeds to leap into the sky and beat the crap out of said author) 

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Rei: (munching popcorn) Fascinating. (lifts eyebrow) 

Misato: Mmm-hmm. Yebisu? 

Pen-Pen: Wark! 

Sheep: Baa. 

Cow: Moo! 

THE END 

Comments? Flames? Computer Viruses? Send them to me (well, not the viruses) at myokawa@aol.com. Better yet, R&R&C&C@ff.net! Okay, anyone who understood that, raise their hands...-_-;   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Still here, eh? GO HOME!!! ^_^   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Oh, all right:   
PLUG! PLUG! (sort of):   
EVA Fued! The best Evangelion fic that never was finished! Besides Evanjellydonut of course. And...aw, heck. Just read it.   
(Sorry, felt like doing that ^_^;)   
  
  


THE REAL END! SHOO! SHOO! 


End file.
